Sometimes I wonder why…
Why we so easily conceived when others have so much trouble. It isn’t that I think we deserve trouble; it’s just that I think we would have been OK if this never was our journey to parenthood. Others want it so badly and would grieve far more deeply. It happened so quickly and easily for us that sometimes I feel like I’m not grateful enough… like I never had any time to develop a true longing.
People look at me funny when I say this: I haven’t been a fan of pregnancy. I’m not sure I ever want to do it again. They always laugh, shake their heads knowingly, and say, “Oh, you’ll feel differently when you hold your baby!!” I know a lot of 9-month-pregnant women say they don’t want to go through it again, but I think I might be different. I don’t really know… only time will tell. It isn’t that I want an only child, but there are other ways to build a family; and to be honest, they seem to be a far better fit for us.
Being pregnant and working at an orphanage is a strangely unsettling experience.
I’ve tried not to think about it too much, honestly. Just because I can’t quite wrap my mind around it. But, sometimes its inescapable. There’s one little guy in particular at our foster home… About 4 years old and truly longing for a family, he’s been the most curious about my pregnancy. He constantly touches my belly, wants to see what’s under my shirt, asks me questions, and even pretends to have a baby in his own belly. His very favorite game to play with me is when I poke and tickle his belly to check for a baby.
He told me yesterday, curled up on my lap with his head nestled against my swollen stomach, that he wants to hold my baby when it comes to the outside.
I wanted to weep.
Sometimes I wonder why…
If we’d never conceived this child, we would have still become parents. Jacob told me about a strangely vivid dream he had last night. Jacob never remembers his dreams, but this one was so strong it woke him from a deep sleep and left him shaken for some time. In typical dream-weirdness it involved all sorts of odd imagery and events, but the jolt-awake moment came when a miserable, sick, and dejected creature who just wanted Jacob’s affection (and who Jacob was trying to push away) spoke out a clarion sentence: Why not me?
As he told me about the dream this morning, I couldn’t shake the image of the little boy curled in my lap yesterday. Does he not also wonder, Why not me?
I know I will grow to love this little one I’ve carried for 9 months. And I know he/she is an indescribable gift. But the other path to parenthood would have been just as blessed and rich.
And sometimes I wonder why… why this is the road we have walked.
Since I’m still posting, we’re obviously still waiting… 🙂 I actually feel like I’m coming down with some sort of upper respiratory infection right now. Will you please pray that it doesn’t take a turn for the worse? Labor seems difficult enough… don’t really want to be coughing and hacking during it.