I wrote something last year I never shared… too personal, too deep, too raw. But I went back to it today and read it. I’m in a different place now, so I’m ready to share now, albiet slightly edited to remove the more personal details…
First written in January 2012:
In recent years, I’m a namer.
2010, The year of contentment. (Heh. Never achieved.) 2011, The year of change. (That’s an understatement.) And now, in the dawn of 2012 I find myself wondering what I should name this gift of time. Fleeting, fast, and precious – I want to claim it as my own, and so I seek a name.
That’s the word in my heart these last few days…
It’s a painful word. And its a word I’d rather avoid. I’d like to name 2012 the year of settling. Or rest. But to be honest, those don’t reflect the journey I know my heart needs to take… a journey that I know will lead to a deeper trust and peace. A journey that will lead to my own healing and the cessation of certain ‘patterns of the heart’ that I do not want passed on to my daughter.
Why transformation? What needs to be transformed?
Many things, but at the core, I need my picture of God transformed. I need to believe in the core of my being that He is good, kind, generous and capable – TO ME. Not just to others, for that seems obvious enough even to my own broken heart. I say I believe those things, but like everyone, my picture of God is colored by my experience… and in the story of my life, in ways most people may never see, that hasn’t been the God I’ve seen since I was a young girl. I’m not saying He hasn’t been good and kind to me. I’m not saying he isn’t generous in his mercy and love or capable in his ability to work out impossible situations. I’m just saying that in the places closest to my heart, in my most vulnerable areas, that hasn’t been the obvious picture to me.
And so what I say I believe and what I feel in my heart to be true are two very different things. I can’t be the only one living with this dichotomy?
Transformation. In short, I want the God of my head to be the God of my heart. And I want Him to blow my boxes and limitations and preconceived notions out of the water.
I’m a little scared and a little (lot?) angry and a little tired and a little despairing… but finally, oh finally, I am a little hopeful.
Why am I sharing it now? Because He is faithful to transform. I’m not “there” yet, but I’m in a wholly different place today than I was one year ago. I feel freed — unchained… unshackled… able to see more clearly than ever before that God treasures me. I know I have value, and that what makes me feel happy and peaceful matters as much as it does for anyone else. I’m not as controlling as I was a year ago, and I’m certainly not as angry.
I am transformed.
I haven’t yet come up with the word for 2013, but I feel in my bones that it’s going to be a good one… Have you? Would love to hear it if you have.